Traditional marriages where men are the primary breadwinners and women are homemakers are largely a pipe dream for African American women, or so I’ve been told. When I’ve discussed the issue of men being financial caretakers of women I’m often met with at least one man who tells me this idea is impossible for black women because black men, due to structural racism in the U.S., cannot reach a level of financial comfort that would allow them to solely provide without the financial help of their wives. This is a reasonable assertion but for women who desire husbands that can afford to take care of them, it is not an acceptable one. So how do black women achieve housewife bliss despite an overwhelming number of our black male counterparts not being able to create that desired outcome?
Here are three solutions.
Polygamy
While many men in the black community may not be able to fully provide for their household nor desire to do so, some can and do. And they can offer women at least a partial fulfillment of traditional marriage through polygamy. Obviously, polygamy has its downsides and it’s not the way most women imagine their ideal familial life but one of the biggest issues black women often take with polygamy is that the wrong types of men involve themselves in these types of marriages. These men who cannot fully provide for their wives depict the worse image of polygamy. But polygamy at its best can be beneficial to women when it allows more than one woman to benefit from the resources of a financially secure man.
Intercultural/Interracial
While black men may be in poor financial straits, all men are not, merely opening up one’s pool of marital options allows for a greater possibility of a hypergamous marriage. But the point isn’t to merely “marry out”, there’s no benefit in that, the point is to marry ‘up’ and heighten our odds of doing so by considering men outside of our community.
Constructing Hypergamy
Another possibility is to construct hypergamy. Maybe your potential suitor has a good job, wants to take care of you but you make more money than him. Constructing hypergamy would mean either quitting your job and relying solely on his income or keeping your job and relying solely on his income for financial maintenance while keeping your money for your personal use.
Undoubtedly the appeal of these solutions will vary depending on your preference but they all solve the same problem; how do black women who want to have the option of not working enter marriages where that will be the case despite their black male counterparts being largely unable to fulfill this goal? If you’re a black woman who doesn’t mind working post-marriage and helping your husband pay the bills, that’s fine —though, as an aside, any woman doing that should ensure her husband is helping her equally within the home so she’s not overworked. But for those of us who long for the freedom of financial dependence (as ironic as that sounds), one of these three solutions will work for you.
InshaAllah we’ll have a companion video on our Youtube channel (this Saturday) to further discuss the nuances of this issue, subscribe here: Noor Al Quddus
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Photo by Oladimeji Odunsi on Unsplash
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