A few months ago my sister (Ustadha Faatimah) and I hosted a Facebook livestream on the topic of “Fangirling” in the context of the female student of knowledge and male shuyukh relationship. Alhumdulilah it was a good discussion and everyone who tuned in contributed a great deal to the topic. This is a summary of some “Rules of engagement” that were discussed during our livestream. I pray our (Faatimah, myself and those of you who joined us) thoughts on this matter are beneficial and that they help to guide us all to have more care, better etiquette and something closer to what will be pleasing to our Lord.
Keep in mind these rules are specific to a female student and a male teacher.
- Let marriage be off the table.
- Learn in a group. If you have the fortune of finding a scholar who will teach you one on one, consider finding other sisters who are also interested in pursuing knowledge. Learning with other women has many benefits, one of which is removing the khalwa between the female student and her shaykh that often leads to blurred lines and emotional relationships
- Remember the shaykh is not your mahram. A mahram is someone you cannot marry, like a father, brother, uncle, etc. Your shaykh is not mahram, no matter how old or how trustworthy he may be there is still an appropriate barrier that should be between a female student and male shuyukh
- Don’t overuse your access. The relationship between the shaykh and the mureed can be a beautiful one. Despite this, for female students of knowledge, we should be clear that merely the possibility of marriage changes the dynamic. You might want to reconsider going to the shaykh for every life problem, question, concern, etc. realizing that this can turn in to an emotional relationship that may end in heartbreak and not marifa.
- Learn online. There is nothing better than learning with a shuyukh one-on-one knowledge is after all taken from heart to heart. But if you’ve fallen into a blurry student-teacher relationship it might be best to turn away even if that means using online resources.
- Find female shuyukh. This should be number one right? Yes and no, I didn’t make it number one simply because finding female shuyukh to learn with is ten times harder than finding male shuyukh. A lot of female shuyukh don’t make a point to go on the lecture circuits, write books or teach many classes in public —often you have to know someone who knows someone who happens to know the shaykha teaches in this house on these days. In Jordan I was blessed to learn from many female shuyukh, I know of many sisters who’ve had the same experience in Syria —if you’re blessed to have that experience, take advantage of it.
- Focus on the basics. If you don’t feel comfortable or are concerned about falling into a blurred relationship with your teacher, remember that the most important thing to learn is the basics. Yes some us may want to excel in our Islamic knowledge but if you don’t find a situation that is feasible don’t put yourself in discomfort for the sake of knowledge that is not obligatory. Stick with the basics and pray to Allah for a blessed opening where you can one day further your studies.
- Get married. This actually came up post live stream in a discussion with another of my sisters. Especially in a Tariqa situation being protected from predatory shuyukh (or merely the pressure of marrying the shaykh if he is interested) is not an easy feat. We all love our shuyukh, especially a shaykh of tassawuf and if we’re single and the shaykh becomes interested in marriage it is a very difficult situation to get out of. Being married offers a protection from predatory shuyukh or merely from the pressure of marrying such men if they’re interested and we’re not.
- Correct your intention. Remember why you’re in this relationship with the shaykh, its intention was knowledge alone, correct your intention and remember why you’re there.
- Know thyself. Many women and men can (sometimes) be unaware when their behavior with the opposite sex is suggestive or can be taken as such. Telling your teacher how much you loved his lecture, how great his explanations are or how engaging his lesson is may not seem like a big deal but it can easily send the wrong signal. The same goes for the teacher telling his student she intelligent, has great memorization skills or is your favorite student, it’s unnecessary can open the door to a blurry relationship. Be formal and cordial, nothing more.
- Listen to your intuition. Many of us (especially women) end up in blurry relationships because we refuse to listen to our intuition that tells us something isn’t right. Even if someone is a new Muslim and isn’t sure what the fiqh around “secret marriages” is, intuition alone can warn us that something is awry. Listen to what your heart tells you, pause and get a second opinion —make sure it’s from an outsider unconnected to the shaykh/teacher, chances are your intuition will lead you to the right path.
- Don’t depend on men. Don’t allow your faith to be dependent on your relationship/connection with a particular shaykh, it is said, “Truth is not known by men rather men are known by the truth”. One of my shuyukh tells us to learn Arabic so we are not completely dependent on him for knowledge (as well as learning at least basic fiqh). If a shaykh tells you, you will only be saved through him, walk the other way —he’s bad news.
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Art: Art deco france from a cartoon of ivan da silva bruhns Circa 1925
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Salaam,
To be honest I think that the term “predatory Shaykh” has been thoroughly memefied so as to mean little anymore. So I am not sure if you are using that term in this way or perhaps you actually mean it.
Either way, I feel that the term predator is a wrong adjective to describe these types of shaykhs. Because the term predator was concieved by non-muslims to describe a certain type of guy who comes nowhere close to these scholars.
Heck, I wouldn’t call these scholars anything but normal. Even the ones who seek out marriage. I say this because in my family there have been several women among my parents (1970s) and grandparents generation (1950s-60s) that attended a tariqa and got married to the leading sheikh. And at that time it was, at least in India, culturally normal to do so. And you might be tempted to say that the scholars back then were better in this regard. But they actually aren’t that different compared to even today’s older scholars. What has changed is, to put it bluntly, the maturity of sisters in terms of being able to handle these types of interpersonal interactions *in a halal manner* in the first place.
I find it funny that although sisters are more educated than Muslim women in the past, they seem to be less mentally mature especially in regards to interpersonal relationships than Muslim women in the past who barely managed to get a high school education.
I’d define predatory sheikh as someone who uses their clout as a sheikh to lure women in to emotionally dependent relationships that may or may not result in marriage. I don’t believe a sheikh who marries his student is in itself alarming it has to do with how he goes about it. They should approach a female student with as much respect as they would any other woman -going to her father, not engaging in private relationships, etc. But in the case of the ‘predatory sheikh’ he utilizes his status to usurp these barriers and often get women to engage inappropriate behavior or agree to less than suitable marriages (secret marriages for instance). These men may also prey on “weaker women” -converts/reverts, emotionally unstable, women going through tragedy, women from broken homes, etc. It’s less to do with the maturity of women in general and more to do with the status/power of these men and the *type* of women they go after. AllahuAlim.