The story of Yusuf, peace to him, is unique in the Quran in that Allah provides us with a great deal of detail. Many prophets and righteous people are mentioned in the Quran but their stories are usually brief and only give us a small insight into their lives. In Surah Yusuf Allah tells us, “Surely, in (the story of) Yusuf and his brothers, there are signs for those who ask” [12:47]. The Surah continues, giving us an outline of Prophet Yusuf’s life; Yusuf’s vision, his brothers’ jealousy and betrayal, his life as a slave, being seduced by his owner’s wife, being wrongfully accused of betraying his master, his time in jail, his freedom and redemption, rise to prominence, reunion with his family, and forgiveness of his brothers. There is an endless number of lessons to learn from Yusuf, peace to him, but one aspect of his story is of particular importance to modern men: sexual modesty.
While we focus a lot on the modesty of women we’ve largely ignored the modesty of men. On this blog, we’ve discussed the importance of focusing some attention on male modesty, while still admitting that female modesty has deteriorated a great deal more. But another aspect of modesty —sexual modesty, affects men more severely than women. Clothing plays a large role in this, hijab often deters non-Muslim men from “hitting on” Muslim women. But Muslim men who dress just like their non-Muslim counterparts have nothing to deter female attention.
Non-Muslim women complain about the differential treatment of philandering women vs philandering men –in essence, men who “play the field” are looked at positively while women who do the same are demeaned. This double standard may work against women who “play the field” but it also works against men who choose to/want to guard their sexual modesty. Men —Muslim and non-Muslim alike, are often reproached when they attempt to guard their sexual modesty, being met with disgust, belittlement and sometimes just laughter, from their peers. Men who want to abstain from sex are deemed, “weak”, “losers” or “gay”. In our society, something is deemed “wrong” with a man who passes his twenties with his virginity intact.
While we may look at Prophet Yusuf, peace to him, as an unreachable figure whose piety can’t be matched, he was still human. And wasn’t unaware of the obvious dilemma that laid before him; he was a man with a slew of women expressing their desire to be with him. Yusuf clutches to his faith knowing that but by the grace of God he too could succumb to his lower desires:
“When they saw him, they were so stunned ˹by his beauty˺ that they cut their hands, and exclaimed, “Good God! This cannot be human; this must be a noble angel!”
Yusuf said: “O my Rabb! I would rather go to prison than that to which they invite me; and unless You ward off their cunning snare from me, I may, in my youthful folly, feel inclined towards them and become one of the ignorant.” [12: 31-32]
When Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessing be upon him, spoke of sexual modesty he addressed both men and women, “Whoever can guarantee (the chastity of) what is between his two jaw-bones and what is between his two legs (i.e. his tongue and his private parts), I guarantee Paradise for him.” [Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 76, Number 481]. We live in a society that paints sexual modesty as not only unimportant but impossible. And this message is uniquely and prominently directed towards men more often than women. In a society that actively promotes zina, we need to reinvigorate the story of Yusuf, as a blueprint for the modern man.
Yusuf, peace to him, turned to God and God turned to him “So his Lord responded to him and averted him from their plan. Indeed, He is the Hearing, the Knowing.” [12:34]
{Image source: bit.ly/2JjRWF}
Related:
- Male Modesty, https://bythefigandtheolive.com/malemodesty/
- Holistic Modesty, https://bythefigandtheolive.com/holisticmodesty/
- Spiritual Modesty, https://bythefigandtheolive.com/spiritualmodesty/
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Hello. I’m a man living in a western country and it’s hard to find shops that sell decent modest clothes. Do you, the author of this article, know some e-shops that sell good modest islamic clothes that, if possible, don’t stick out too much when worn in public?
Asalamu Alaykum, Alhumdulilah, since some other men have asked me the same question, I did some research and created this thread: https://twitter.com/figandoliveblog/status/989240021843693570
Hope it helps!
BitTawfiq
Salaam,
I would disagree with the fact that the dress that muslim men wear can or cannot deter female attention. What deters attention from woman by Muslim men is when we control the type of interactions we have with women. Not neccessarily our clothing, though it may have a slight impact. This is because women don’t recieve the same biological response that men receive when they see a member of the opposite sex dressed immodestly.
Therefore, I would like to see you make an article on advice for how men achieve what I call as behavioral modesty. Or, learning to not flirt with sisters or entertain flirts from sisters. The latter may seem odd to you, but for many brothers while we are aware of the antics that non-muslim women use, many of us are still tripped up by the number of *hijabi* sisters who seem to use the same charms and tricks non-muslim women use in order to “explore our chemistry privately” with. This is evidenced by the fact that I attend a liberal western university and there seems to be such a high number of these flirtatious sisters that they might as well be a dime a dozen and they have all “hooked” many a muslim men. And when I speak to these brothers they tell me “I know it is haram, but at least this will lead to a *halal* marriage with said sister”. Only for an even bigger haram to be committed shortly after.
The “tricks” that Brother Ali is talking about, I am not sure what he means, but I think he is like many men, has over simplified women into two groups: Muslim(virgin, asexual, pure) and Non-Muslim(sexual,free, can used and thrown away)Whether a woman is Muslim or not, she is still a woman: it means she is a sexual being and has physical and biological needs just like her male counterparts.
You know what I am talking about. And I am not sure why you are apologizing for the very immodest behavior and zina type behavior of non-pious women.
But in case you were still in denial about the types of sisters out there, read this https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10155905663610350&id=576750349
As for the asexual, virgin pure, thing. Again, not sure if you are Muslim but being modest and chaste does NOT mean being asexual or a virgin. But it does mean that you DON’T have immodest interactions with non-mahram. Where did I say that sisters shouldn’t get married, they should as soon as “those feelings” start to emerge. The problem is sisters don’t pursue marriage in a HALAL and MODEST manner. We are Muslims, we appease our desires in a halal way. Anything other than the halal way is Haram or at the very least makruh. There isn’t a “spectrum” when it comes to this.
Do you want to know how pious women during the time of the prophet (PBUH) satisfied their “physical and biological needs?” Sure as heck not in the same way that a *larger amount than we want to admit* of sisters nowadays are doing so.
This isn’t to say that Muslim men don’t pursue their desires in haram ways. They do, possibly to a slightly greater frequency nowadays than Muslim women. (though this parameter might become egalitarian as time goes on) But the grass is not greener on the other side and either Muslims nowadays don’t see it or refuse to see it. And some sisters *love* to rant about Muslim men and their decaying state of sexual modesty. To a point where sisters put muslim men into two discrete cateogories (ironically) as either “able to control desires” or “pathetic enough to submit to them via Haram means”. But *all of a sudden* when it comes to Muslim women and their decaying state of sexual modesty statements like you “can’t generalize” or “there’s a spectrum” are thrown out to no end.
I think in general you and I have the same goals, we want halal,satisfying healthy relationships. There are some realities I think you are a bit oblivious to considering that you are a man. This isn’t an insult it’s just that sometimes privilege can be a bit hindering. For one, you said that, Muslim women should get married as soon as these feelings begin to emerge. Most girls start to menstruate around 11-14, which is when testosterone is produced and these feelings start to emerge. It is unrealistic to expect a girl of such an age to do something as serious as marriage. WE have to accept that we live in a very different time period, am I saying that this makes the haram halal?Absolutely not! But we still have to have a smart ,considerate,approach. Asexual,virgin , you seem to know the difference between the two. That’s good,but some brothers really have these extremely high expectations for Muslim women to the point they don’t. I am not going to lie, some sisters are really promiscuous but also some men. So allow me to ask one question,what would suggest as modest behavior? Let’s say I like a guy and I want to talk to him,what should I do? Not everyone, wants their parents involved from the beginning, and considering how many Muslim parents are its’ very understandable. Which is sad because it makes the halal so hard and the haram so easy.Also the “expectations” of a wife that the elders put on the on a girl it makes marriage seem very unappealing. I don’t know for men, I am not one so maybe you can tell me why some brothers are hesitant to commit.And hopefully we can be more understanding of each other..
Well, I am a man in neoliberal muslim circles. So anything I say concerning sexuality is automatically demonized. But enough of that.
As for sisters getting married when feelings result. The solution I advocate for at least amongst us shias is to then utilize mutah (temporary marriage) to prevent sin. However, this clearly isn’t an option for you sunni lot so the closest thing I would say is for the girl to get married before she heads off to university.
Otherwise, there is no other magical solution out there than marriage to prevent sexual sins. Therefore, at a young age we should be teaching youth about marriage, sex, etc. The issue is nowadays Muslim parents barely teach their kids anything at all related to marriage and sex. Both the immigrant generation of parents and their offspring. So obviously we are now having a generation full of kids who are illiterate when it comes to matters of relationships. We then see this and think it is impossible to get these kids married at younger ages. When in reality, it is because of the laziness of Muslim parents to imbue expectations about relationships in their kids.
And let me clarify, we are seeing the OPPOSITE trend in neoliberal muslim circles, in terms of expectations of the opposite gender. Both sexual and Islamic. An example of this is the number of sisters who drone on and on about “true qawwams”. And you mentioned that sisters tend to find marriage off putting because of high expectations in conservative circles, men especially among the youth feel the same way nowadays in liberal circles, since we apparently aren’t “true qawwams”. To give a perspective, my demographic places me in the liberal circle and I have essentially filtered out 90% of sisters as potential marital partners who are around my age (I am a young adolescent) because they won’t quit yapping about “true qawwams”, and I have heard from brothers that marrying these “true qawwam” sisters is like hell because of their expectations, and they abuse Islam to justify this.
And since Muslims nowadays could care less about challenging liberal notions infecting muslim circles, eventually we will see this dynamic of neoliberal muslim circles be more prominent. Now, you might then interject and say that neither paradigm is right. Not the neoliberal one or the conservative one. And you would be right, both are just extremes of the other. From what I can tell, you seem to be chiefly concerned about marital practices and expectations in conservative circles, my advice is the same I would give to liberal circles as well. That is, us Muslims must challenge both liberal and conservative circles by holding BOTH brothers and sisters accountable to higher standards. Not just one at the expense of the other.
What do you mean me? I am just some random guy on the internet. I may have my ideas, but I like to base my ideas off of the sunnah. Before the whole drama went down, NAK had a very good video about the courting practices of men and women at the time of the prophet (PBUH). Essentially, it was pretty simple in the sense that a guy sees a girl he likes, he then asks the girl for the name of her wali. He then firsts goes to the wali and asks for the daughter’s hand in marriage. It takes a heavy degree of convincing, but it usually was done due to persistence. Then the guy and girl started courting each other, and the rest is history. Thing is, while all of this isn’t easy. It is doable and with practice becomes easier. Difference is Muslim youth nowadays are so lazy that they don’t even approach step 1 of this process and adopt relationship tactics from non-muslims so they can gain favor in the eyes of them.
like I said, while Muslim parents should change and make marriage easier. But to be honest, Muslim parents today are not as unreasonable as Muslim parents were during the time of The Prophet (PBUH). Some might even say the latter was even more unreasonable. But like I said, if ordinary men and women during the time of the prophet could do it, then so can the youth generation. DIfference is, the former actually had a backbone and were persistent in their cause for halal relationships. While the latter has grown to be spineless and lazy and just want the fruits of a relationship without going through the effort to do so via halal means.