I’ve noticed a growing sentiment among young women, that is, their unsurety (and sometimes outright rejection) around getting married. They often fall into two categories: fear of the rights men have over women in marriage (ex: Do I have to obey him?), while others are happy with their life as is and look forward to the many adventures they’ll enjoy in singledom —traveling, outings with friends, career advancement, etc. These are both good reasons that I hesitate to argue against. It can be argued that a young woman who fears she cannot fulfill the role of a wife should not be pressured into marriage, only to make her husband’s life miserable. And it’s also fair to not want to get married if you believe it will impinge on your present life goals —a wife with a list of unmet goals that cannot be fulfilled by her husband will lead to a less than promising marital life.
But.
The problem isn’t with the reasons (some) young women don’t want to get married. Marriage is, after all, a choice not an obligation. Once we accept this we can move on to talk about what single life as a Muslim woman entails and if most young women are equipped to face the world alone. I mentioned to one of my students that hijab was a protection from unwanted attention, especially from non-Muslim men. Not foolproof; but general protection. She disagreed, at least 10 years my junior, in her experience hijabis, were often hit on by non-Muslims on her college campus. The experience I once was privileged to have of hijab as at least a partial shield from unwanted attention was no longer the case. Of course, this is simply comparing one person’s personal experience to another’s but it struck me as true and almost obvious once she stated it.
There’s been a very heavy push to accept Muslims into the mainstream. Various shows have depicted Muslims eating pork, Muslims smoking, Muslims drinking, and yes even Muslims falling in love with non-Muslims. A new younger generation has been taught that Muslims are just like them, not as “off-limits” as the previous generation was once taught to believe.
It’s important to mention this because being single as a Muslim woman (in the West) exists within a context. The single life of a non-Muslim is filled with drugs, alcohol, and sex, and Muslims are no longer automatically assumed to not participate. What are the tools that single Muslim women will utilize to stay away from such vices? It’s a silly idea that nevertheless remains true, husbands and babies are good excuses to get out of anything. But my point is not that Muslim women should get married merely to avoid the vices of society, though it wouldn’t be an awful point to make. But rather, any woman who chooses to remain single has to consider how she will navigate society in a way that preserves her dignity.
Often this part of the discussion is silenced because we’re too busy arguing that such women ought to get married, but what is more crucial is not whether or not one gets married but how one will live a dignified religious life as a single person. We cannot pretend that the women of today choosing not to get married (or purposefully delaying marriage) are walking in the footsteps of Rabia Al Adawiyya —maybe some are, but for many women being single leaves them open to sins that could be avoided if they were married —flirting with the opposite sex, wearing clothing to entice the opposite sex, seeking attention from men in any way, being alone with men, and worse of all; zina.
While marriage comes with its burdens, so does singledom. So instead of women arguing for their right to be single (which they’re free to do), it’s important to also have more thoughtful conversations considering the difficulties that come with that lifestyle and how one will remain vigilant against its vices.
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Photo by Nasik Lababan on Unsplash
The article showed me a new perspective 🙂