The conversation around consent has evolved over the past decade. 10 years ago, it wouldn’t be uncommon to hear a male character on a TV sitcom laugh about attempting to get a woman to sleep with them by giving them ample alcohol. It’d be equally as likely to see female characters laugh about “getting so drunk they don’t know what happened last night”. Times have changed over an incredibly short period, what we found funny 10 years ago is now ‘problematic’. What we viewed as part of the normal dating scene is now a crime and culturally immoral.
As Muslims, that lifestyle is largely irrelevant to us. We might laugh at the poor humor of a decade-old comedy or shake our heads at the avoidable trials of non-Muslim courtship. But their issues aren’t ours. God tells us not to come near zina, so while no one is safe from rape, we are largely safe from date rape —as the circumstances around the latter are the same circumstances surrounding zina (dating, alcohol usage, ‘free mixing’, etc.).
Nevertheless, this conversation about consent has crept into Muslim discourse. And since date rape is irrelevant to us it converted itself into conversations around marital rape. Years ago a former colleague shared with us that she’d been raped in her former marriage. Neither at the time nor in this moment do I feel any conflict in saying that the act she described was rape and it was a rape that occurred in her marriage. The question becomes, was it marital rape?
My issue with the term marital rape is that I don’t quite know what people mean nor why the act needs a different terminology (marital rape as opposed to rape?). What this woman described to us was a man utilizing both violence and force then engaging in intercourse with his wife. But when people use the term rape at this present moment they simply mean a lack of informed consent. They also mean that the act of intercourse was not necessarily prefaced with coercion, that is, if one member does not want to consent but gives in due to pressure this would also be classified as rape. There’s also the issue of power, some argue that one cannot consent to intercourse with a person in a position of power (in part due to the implied coercion or possible consequences of their rejection). Furthermore, even if one begins a consensual act that consent can be revoked at any time and it does not imply consent for other acts.
With that being the case, I don’t see how any of this is relevant to marriage. The older definition of rape is still relevant since the use of violence and force is unacceptable. But the newer definition of rape, as described in detail in the last paragraph, in which consent must be explicitly given before each act is incompatible with marriage itself. Sometimes spouses do put pressure on each other and the other simply gives in, even this would be considered rape according to newer definitions. General consent is implied in marriage itself, thereafter couples compromise to varying degrees, which psychologists say leads to happier marriages, “…couples need to compromise in all areas where their preferences differ. We need to be willing to do things for our partner that we don’t especially want to do, in exchange for the things they do for us even though they don’t particularly feel like doing them. Only when both partners’ needs are met to a reasonable degree can a relationship be happy.” (1)
In marriage there is a degree to which one’s body is shared, general access is given and blanket consent exists with few exceptions. This is the exact opposite way we view our bodies outside of marriage, which is that we have bodily autonomy unless consent is explicitly given. Rape can occur in marriage, but I deeply question the usefulness and appropriateness of the term marital rape.
1. Compromise Made Simple: 7 Handy Tips for Couples
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Photo by Leighann Renee on Unsplash
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