Years ago, I polled 30 women on their experiences as non-working wives (also referred to as housewives, homemakers, and —when applicable, stay-at-home moms). 23/30 women said they experienced a sense of worthlessness. Some attributed that sense of worthlessness to society, some to their spouse/spouse’s family, some to their family of origin (parents, etc.), and others attributed it to their own internal feelings.
I’ve written a lot over the years about the value of women not working outside the home, prioritizing the family, and being there for their loved ones. I’ve gotten a lot of criticism for this but none of it really moved me until I gave a lecture around the topic and a young woman asked me quite bluntly; if men don’t appreciate it, why should women do it? It was a simple and straightforward statement that stuck with me; human beings want to be valued, ‘homemaking’ is no longer valued —why should women do something that is no longer valued by others —including their male counterparts?
Many of us have been sold the false idea that self-esteem is an “inside job”. That simply believing in ourselves and our own efforts is enough, but this has never been true.
A sense of self-worth can be cultivated internally but it is either helped or hindered by external factors. The less you have to fight against external ideas of worthlessness, the more likely you are to achieve self-worth. In fact, if your external environment deems you ‘worthy’ you’ll likely have to put forth little effort to cultivate an internal sense of self-worth.
For example; no one has to convince themselves or others that being a doctor is a worthwhile vocation. Being a doctor has external value in our society, every time someone says they’re a doctor others often react with glee. We feel a sigh of relief knowing a doctor is on board our plane. Parents gloat with pride that their son or daughter is a doctor.
Non-working wives don’t have the same advantage. There is no inherent value in being a housewife in our society —of course, this wasn’t always true, but with technology and a shift in values one has to explain why being a non-working wife is still a worthwhile pursuit. Stay-at-home moms of young children have perhaps the highest advantage since society can still appreciate a mother caring for a pre-school-age child whereas homemakers with older children or none at all are met with confused glares and belittlement.
For this reason and many others, women are not at fault for having a hard time finding value in their role as housewives. It is hard to rely solely on one’s own self to make meaning out of one’s vocation. Especially when non-working wives often find as little external value from their own family members as they do from the larger society. A woman who chooses to focus on making non-financial contributions to her household is going to face an existential crisis. Reaching out to the past when such a role was valued and reaching into our faith where such a role is eternally valued helps a tremendous deal. But we still cannot avoid the obvious; in our times, in our culture, there is little value placed on non-working wives, and women who choose this role will face an uphill battle in their search for self-worth and meaning.
Note: InshaAllah we’ll discuss more around this idea of self-worth, self-esteem, and attachment styles in future posts. For now, I think it’s important that we appreciate our own agency while still acknowledging the effect that others –parents, siblings, spouses, peers, society-at-large, have on our identity and shaping who we are as people. Others place value on us that we then internalize, recognizing the weight of social judgment before turning inward can enable us to better understand what ideas we must free ourselves from and which we must cultivate.
An excellent pondering article to have read about
Salaam Alaikum Sister Norr,
This is a really good starting point for a discussion on the value of work and particularly work done by women. I wanted to share some thoughts that I hope get considered when you write another essay about this
1. Is the very terminology that we use talk about these problematic? Aren’t housewives also working women? Folding the laundry, cooking, sweeping/ vaccuming, changing diapers, helping children with homework etc, all are forms of unpaid labor. After a long day of these things (and more), things that are supposed to be pleasurable (like having sex) end up feeling like more work. One thing that I noticed in my parents marriage is that often my father, when he wants something, will go to my mother and say he wants and persist in asking for said thing even though it is perfectly obvious that my mother clearly busy in doing something like making tea. (OK everyone in my immediate is guilty of it to varying degrees but I would argue that my father is the most b/c he is the man of the house. His example arguably made it OK for the rest of us to do it too. I have to wonder if it has to do with the fact South Asian culture doesn’t value household labor. Or is it also the nature of the role itself. The expectation that a woman’s top (and preferrably only) priority is the family makes the role into one where the woman is on call for her husband and kids all the time, and so her time is taken granted.
2. When was there a time when women’s work was valued in society? What did this actually mean? Was there any link between this value and the vaule of the same household labor when it was performed for wages by male or femamale workers (example include the threatment/ pay of maids, cooks, taliors, janiotrs/ cleaning ladies, and teachers among many others.)What about the value of said work when performed by enslaved people. This is important because women, even when they are housewives often do hire servants to help them. Unfortunately, at least in Pakistan and the Gulf and the U.S too, household help is often abused, undocumented, overworked, and certainly very poorly paid. I’m saying that the logic devaluing motherhood and wifehood and the work it entials and that the people who do most of the same work for pay are also hit with a similar lack of self worth which them gets compounded by mommy guilt. What does it actually look like in society for women’s work to be valued by society? What would that mean for those do this work for free (wives, and in the past, slaves), And women who do this work for pay such as the undocumented household help by many housewives in the United States or Guf countries, where the hired help is documented but ooften get their passports taken away by theiir employers to contorl their movements.
3. Doctors get paid really high salaries and also tend to be male. This is worth point out b/c this is not the case everywhere. Nurses are also essential workers in our society. They were among the only ones to go to work when the pandemic was at its height. But they are poorly paid, over worked, and voerwhelmingly female. Besides, high salary and male majority in your profession doesn’t neccessarily prove that it’s valuable. It’s only proof that society thinks it’s valuable. For example, hedge fund managers make serious high salaries and are even deemed to do importnat work by society. But if the state that the profession of hedge fund manager shoud be abolished, and that their assets sould be frozen or expropriated and that banks should be nationalized going forward, then nothing dramatic would happen afterward. Society would just move on. It could even be a good thing b/c it could decrease the power of wall street on our politics.
Thank you so much for this comment, incredibly valuable insights.