She started to create a bizarre ritual where she would call the maid to the dining room, stand in place, then send the maid away. Through a bit of digging Freud discovered that her husband, to whom she was separated, had been impotent on their wedding night. After attempting several failed attempts to “deflower” his bride he clumsily spilled red ink on the bed so the maid would assume all had gone well the previous evening.
This tradition of bloodied sheets being paraded for public viewing has often been explained as yet another example of the oppressive patriarchy. The bride is expected to be a virgin and validation of that will honor or dishonor her family. We now know that the idea that there must be blood (breaking of the hymen) in order to prove one’s virginity is false but what may also be false is the idea that the breaking of the hymen and subsequent ‘blood as proof’ is only about the woman’s honor.
It has come to be accepted doctrine that the world has historically been a Patriarchy propped up by men to oppress women. Often in the viewing of any gendered practice we ask in what way men are oppressing women and what they are to gain from doing so. Yet even the more classic seemingly straight forward examples of gendered oppression may not be so. In this practice of parading bloodied sheets (as some cultures have traditionally done) to prove a woman’s virginity, is it not also possible that it is to prove the man’s “manhood”? Masculinity is, after all, often a performance, it must be shown and proven. A woman who cannot display her femininity through virginity, a man who cannot prove his manhood through his virility will have both failed to live up to the feminine/masculine ideal.
That is not to say this practice is good or beneficial in any way but rather that the idea that this practice and many others like it are examples of Patriarchal oppression may be wrong. But, as some Feminists do say, maybe it is not a one way gendered oppression but rather that both genders are oppressively tied to patriarchal gendered norms that must be broken in order for the genders to be free. In the case that Freud relates, maybe the women would not have developed neurosis nor her marriage end in separation if they did not both feel a need to live up to the societal expectations placed on their marital bed. Yet, while it is true that some of these rituals should go, the idea that the solution to gendered oppression is the removal of all gendered roles is not only wrong but wishful thinking.
Both men and women feel a need to live up to some form of femininity or masculinity even when they outwardly appear to be more progressive. As I’ve shared in a previous post, while men are doing more housework then previous generations and women say they want their husbands to participate more in the home, those same women also find their husbands less attractive when they participate in traditional feminine housework. The same holds true for outwardly progressive couples where the woman is the breadwinner. These couples don’t switch roles holistically, in fact they desperately seem to hold on to their gendered roles through their division of housework, that is, men do less housework not more when their wives are breadwinners.
This should come as little surprise, to be human is to be gendered. Ironically during a time where people are actively questioning gender norms and gender roles we are also actively engaging in reinforcing the importance of gender through the modern ritual of baby ‘gender reveals’. Gender, gender roles and gender norms structure our lives and help to shape our trajectory —it makes a difference if the baby’s a boy or a girl. While some gender norms have not been useful, or have more negative than positive effects on gender relations and society, we cannot afford to throw out all gender norms. In all honesty we couldn’t if we tried, the more we throw them out the more they show themselves in unexpected areas of our lives. Gender roles, norms and expectations will express themselves even as we question their utility. We need to do the work of creating (as well as keeping) the norms, expectations and roles that benefit both men and women. We need a society that nurtures our gendered differences without the excesses of biological determinism nor the failed ideas of the “equality project”.
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Consider picking up a copy of my book, 40 Hadith of ‘Aisha, An English collection of 40 Hadith narrated by the beloved wife, scholar, and sage ‘Aisha bint Abu Bakr, available here. Also, consider signing up for our monthly newsletter here: bythefigandtheolive.com/newsletter. For speaking engagements visit Nuriddeenknight.com
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