No more Muslim identity: Being a personal Muslim

November 30, 2015

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I’ve been finding it very hard of late to be Muslim and even harder to be Sufi. Not Muslim in a political or ostentatious way, living in Jordan my visible Muslim identity is no concern of mine. Being here in Jordan I don’t worry about being a visible Muslim. I don’t worry about how I should present myself to the world. I don’t worry about, in any concrete way, the relationship between Muslims and non Muslims. All of those, in many ways, superficial ideas are stripped away and the only kind of Muslim identity I have to deal with is the only one that counts, a faith based one.

There is no concern about how to present myself as a Muslim woman because that has been decided for me, there is no concern about relating to non Muslims or Islamophobia because we are almost 100% muslims and we are the ones in power. So what is left? What’s left, all that’s left, is the kind of person I am when I’m in my apartment behind closed doors -what do I do on the internet? What do I eat? How much? Am I praying? Making dhikr? Asking forgiveness? With out the superficial personal PR campaign of my Muslim identity how much of a Muslim am I anyway? With only a personal relationship to God to show my faith, do I? Will I? And how am I doing?

Obviously I won’t answer those questions here. And that is a part of the point anyway. Being Muslim is not about how I represent myself to you on this blog or else where on line. It not about anyone or anything but me and God. The saying that has become so common, often among ostantatious wrong doers is “God knows what’s in my heart”. I’ve never understood how anyone could be relieved in that assertion. What a frightening thing to know how little our public persona counts and how much our private deeds, thoughts, and hearts count.

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