“How do I get married?”

August 18, 2014

I have been contemplating this matter for some time. Both because it effects me personal and because I have seen not only family but also friends, acquaintances and strangers have difficulty in the issue. The issue is getting married as a western (specifically American) Muslim. I’ve been in many rooms filled with men and women complaining about how hard it is to find a spouse.

The part of it that is funny is that if both men and women want to get married, they are both in the same room, with the same concern, what is making it impossible for these people to get married? To meet each other? To express interest? That part is the joke. That people could desire the same thing but find no means by which to reach their goal.

But, of course, it isn’t funny. We truly don’t know what to do. I think I will scream, and I know I wont be alone, if yet another knowledgeable person responds to the question of: How do I find a spouse? With the worse answer known to man “google it”. Of course they don’t literally say “google it” but in essence this is exactly what they say. “Try “such and such” muslim marriage dating site”. Though those of my generation thoroughly embrace the Internet in most matters of our life, love –for many of us, is not one of them. It is not that people can’t or haven’t found their spouse on the internet, once you are married who cares about the details of how you met your spouse? It is that to say “Google it” points to an extreme lacking with the Muslim community.

If I want to learn Islamic knowledge, if I want to buy halal meat, if I want to find Islamic clothing do I have to “Google it”? I certainty can, but I can also find it in real life. This is because all of these things are considered essential parts of our Islamic lifestyle. Yet there are very few proper channels by which to find a spouse. Those of us who do not come from parental backgrounds where our parents are at the forefront of our marriage process (though this also has its flaws) we end up having to go it alone. And alone can be a very lonely and heartbreaking process.

One of my beloved shuyuk once joked when a woman questioned him on the hardship of getting marries saying that there was a group of women in the same predicament who decided to dedicate their lives to Allah and forego marriage –the joke was not received well. Women and men go through years of sadness and burden at their misfortune of not being married. Because they want love, and companionship and the “marker of adulthood” that is marriage.

But the problem is not being taken seriously enough. Maybe that is because people do, most of the time, eventually get married. And yet it sits on me as a burden to know of the lonely people hitting thirty or above who have to sleep alone silently praying to Allah for someone to call there own.

I want so desperately for this “how do I get married” problem to be solved but for now dear reader I leave you with this: Once upon a time there was a very lonely man named Adam, God wanted to make him happy so he gave him Eve. By God’s grace we need to begin facilitating ways for people to find their companionship, their spouse in this life and the next.


Have a question or concern about Islam or the Muslims community that you’d like me to write about? Let me know below or email contact@nuriddeenknight.com


  • Zaakir

    Marriage, one of the biggest challenges in our community. I have been married for some time now, so sometimes its difficult for me to understand why marriage is such a big challenge. My motto has always been to keep it as simple as possible. What is the core reason for getting married? For me it was to build something beautiful over time. To guard myself from committing zina. To have a companion, a friend, and a partner. But I also knew that I would have to take the good with the bad and roll with it. I knew that it would not be easy, and that while love is beautiful, its not always enough to push you forward. It takes alot of grit, sacrifice, humbleness, compassion, overlooking of faults, and most important patients. I think these are things that are very difficult for young people to master. I know it was difficult for me, and still is. I think what makes marriage today so difficult to do is that most people understand (to some degree) that marriage is not all about love. Its also about “alot” of hard work. Its serious business. Its a lifetime endeavor that requires a deep commitment, not something you just tip your toe into. I guess this is what makes it complicated and scary for both brothers and sisters.

    • Noor

      Yeah I think that’s true and no one really like hard work and everyone’s and individualist who want there own way and the last word, except a few of us

  • Letter 1: "How do I get married?"

    […] Source: Letter 1: “How do I get married?” […]

    • Mami

      I am curious, what is your story. In my case, I am a recovering addict from pain meds that ruined my marriage. At this point (just tonight actually), my wife told me she was done. The whole story is complicated, but we are seperated at this point. I am not willing to give up, and scrambling for a solution.

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