Blogging from bed

November 12, 2014

I’m not sure how I became the person I am today or why. When I was younger I remember wanting to be a philosopher or a monk. I was an isolated kid and I am an isolated adult, an introvert. This morning I had to make the decision to -for the next few months at least, give up my beloved Ethos magazine that I started never a year ago. When I started Ethos, it was then ‘MCVmagzine’ it was suppose to be a mutual endeavor between me and my mom. Later it become “mine” first circumstantial than purposefully. I think my mom let it go before I ever claimed the rights to it, because “I” was doing all the work. In general I’m a meek go with the flow kind of person. I’m quickest to sadness and anger is almost a foreign concept. But that’s changed a lot.

About two years ago when I started a business (not the magazine) with my mom I noticed a change in myself. I was no longer meek and go with the flow, it was my way or no way. My voice had to be heard, my orders followed, my plans carried out. No one was as smart as me and my ideas we’re always superior, who was the little demon let out the box? The nafs (lower self) of course. Being friend, classmate, family member, etc. no other role in life tested my patience as much as this. How often I wanted to quit and still do. Because this person is unfamiliar to me. But there is a feeling that she has to be if the show must go on. I’ve seen things succeed with her plans I’ve seen them fail without her. But she, that part of me, that not-so-little ego may be doing more harm then good to the me that needs a relief from the world. The me that is suppose to fly towards God not connect myself to any and everything but him.

The new world we live in, the world of connection makes it very easy too spread ourselves thin. Hijabis make a a living through their countless self portraits, youtubers give their lives to bringing you a new video every week. Bloggers blog their lives away and Facebook pages are born everyday. It seems it’s so easy to become who you want these days but the toll it takes isn’t. Here I am all the way in Jordan hoping to cure myself from the diseases within yet suffering everyday from my own “success”.

I don’t know when I became the kind of person who did things, I never saw myself as a doer. I was a thinker, with lot’s of brilliant ideas. But the idea that any of them would come to fruition was far outside my reach. Now it’s at my palms. I just need so desperately some help, lots of help to see my dreams become reality, that or I need to give up a lot and keep my sanity, sadly the latter is the best choice right now. Sometimes I wish I never started all the stuff I have, I wanted to put good in to the world but what good has it done me? I’d probably be better off if I signed off and turned towards God. Over the illusion that I could actually do anything worthwhile.

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