Posts from November 2014

Bitter Girl

November 28, 2014

No one likes a bitter woman
Don’t be that girl
No one likes the bitter truth
Don’t give it to them
No one’s listening
Even if you scream

No one likes a bitter woman
Don’t be that girl
No one cares what you have to say
Not a single soul in the world
Don’t fight with men
They always win

No one like a bitter woman
Point your finger
And they’ll point back
Tell your story
But no one one’s listening

You can set yourself on fire
You can curse at the world
You can put up your fists
You can jump off a bridge

But no one cares
Everyone sees you’re hurting
Yet they turn away
Try your best
But you won’t win

When you’re fighting with men
The best you can do
Is lay down to die
Take it in stride
Humbly cry
But don’t apologize

There are many sides to the story
Too many to count
But you’d better bet
Your side doesn’t count

No one likes a bitter girl
Depressed, angry and scared
Don’t try making any points
No one cares

You look ugly when you shout
And your wrong when you argue
You’re a bastard if you leave
You ought to shut up if you stay

Either way

No one likes a bitter girl
Don’t be that girl


November 27, 2014

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
-Johnny Cash

All of the things

November 24, 2014

Surrendered to self preservation, which hurts just like anything else

So today is the beginning of my self improvement in studying, health and computer use. It’s not been going so great except computer use, I do plan to get off at 8pm -in one hour, as I promised myself. Arabic didn’t beat me up as much today, Alhumduillah. Tomorrow is the latifiyyah dhikr which is my favorite! I just love this dhikr so much, makes me happy, Alhumduillah. I’m trying to make sure I attend at least three sessions in the Zawiya each week consistently and more whenever I can. In one sense I’d be hard to be here and not be studying Arabic, have a job, or family because there isn’t really that much to do and all the classes are in the evening. In another sense it’s tough when you are working or studying because your strength and energy are being put in to those things and eventually you can start making the Zawiya classes your second priority.

I was talking to a friend here about living here and other things. She and her family plan to stay as long as they can. Though they -she especially, miss back home she wants to be here for the kids’ sake. She told me that her sister mentioned to her that where they’re from there’s been a recent scandal with girls sending nude selfies of themselves, this is currently news in America also, what floored me is that these were Muslim girls! Really I fear for girls today it was bad enough when I was growing up, really bad. But technology has amplified things and given kids the ability to reach all new lows.

In America another young black boy was recently shot by police officers. Since I’ve been a kid I’ve heard the same story over and over again. The only difference with these last couple of cases, especially in Ferguson, people haven’t given up on ‘fighting the good fight’. I feel helpless in these issues, don’t know what to do, I just know how I feel. Grief, sadness, rage, helplessness. I’m forever grateful to God that my nephews especially my eldest, live elsewhere. I remember my nephew telling me that he was outside with his brother one day, playing somewhere they weren’t suppose to. A police officer came and told them to get down, they did and he said “If you were older I’d arrest you”. I remember being a teenager and the way my male friends would get stopped by the police randomly, no cause. They certainly weren’t all innocent but in the cops minds it was guilty until proven otherwise.

The world is evil enough to have to think of adding the burden of race in raising a son, I can’t imagine it.

A Kitchen of One’s Own

November 21, 2014

I honestly hope I have a husband who doesn’t like to cook, well, no -who doesn’t like to cook often. I hate being in the kitchen with other people. I see cooking as my time of solace. Mixing together ingrdeints, getting things messy, having some alone time, are all very precious to me. When someone comes in the kitchen with me to do there own thing, I’m instantly annoyed and it honestly makes me not want to cook. I think I get this from my dad. Whenever he’s cooking he wants us to get out his way and we’re seen as an instant nuisance, unless we’re just coming to talk, but when he’s in there mixing and stirring -get out his way.

My mom loves this. Not the fact that he wants everyone out his way, but the fact that my dad cooks. Since I’ve known him (i.e. all my life) he always has, in fact more then my mom. Years ago when my more gave birth to six daughters, with complications along the way. She decided to give up some of her womanly duties for a peace of mind. When she was working, in school, and coming home to a messy house and 6 noisy kids, except me I’m the quiet one (smirk), being in a mad fit to change pampers, make dinner and clean just wasn’t sustainable. So slowly she convinced (to put it nicely) my dad to do more around the house, cooking became his main contribution.

I think that’s wonderful, but I don’t think it’s for me. I love baking and I’ve recently developed a love for cooking. I’ve actually enjoyed baking on many occasions with my niece and nephew, that’s pretty fun. But in general I need my space. Cooking provides a kind of solace that is quickly interrupted when others are around. There I am cooking away then someone comes in and I have to worry if they’ll be bothered by the dishes in the sink, if they’ll get in way, and God forbid small talk! Unlike my dad I don’t make exceptions for that either. You know what I might make an exception for? If I had a hubby who helped with the dishes, that would be nice.

Take me shopping at Inayah

November 19, 2014

They are the perfect picture of the Urban, Modern and Modest Muslim, really, they nail it.




Good Hair

November 19, 2014

Granted I’m a hijabi but there’s still some hair under there. If you’re a non Muslim reading then I’ll inform you us Muslim women only wear hijab around marriageable men and when praying. We may also wrap it around when reading the quran or other religious obligations and sometimes, yes, when were having a bad hair day.

Yet as women we do still have our hair to care for, look after and beautify for those around (and ourselves). Anyway I want to keep it short so I’ll get to the point. I’m black and have natural hair (non processed). That doesn’t really give much of a description since black women have all kinds of hair but suffice it to say its not straight.

Growing up -oh right, I wanted to make this short, another time. So I want to take care of my hair. I’ve read and watched a lot of YouTube videos about taking care of natural hair. And I’ve been amazed by how healthy and how long many black natural girls have been able to get their hair (I’ll write another post about black hair, lets just say it not just about hair).

So I want my hair to also be strong, long and healthy without being salon dependent. I want to make this as natural as possible. So what I’ve gathered from the curly haired gurus and some good methods I’ve tested myself I’m going to try to stick to a routine of at least once a week of doing one of the below.

Good Hair Practices:
-Washing hair with Apple Cider Vinegar, I don’t remember what it does but I remember how wonderful and clean my hair felt after using it
-No poo, washing also with conditioner, shampoo in general is a no go, I love treseme conditioner! Unfortunely they don’t have that here
-Conditioner (any good one) with baking soda and honey help to loosen curls and make hair more manageable
-Milk, put it in a spray bottle and get it all over your hair, leave over night, your hair will be looser/ straighter
-Conditioner and olive oil for a couple hours then wash out, loosen/straighten
-Henna, color/ strengthen
-Oil massage, grows hair (so the Indians say) if you have really curly hair massage gently so it doesn’t get more tangled
-Soaking in oil overnight
-Putting in conditioner for overnight

My goals for my hair are: length, shine, “looseness”/untangled, and softness. If you want the same thing these above methods may work. I think one or two a week will suffice, like most things it won’t work without consistency. So I’m writing this as a resource for myself and anyone else with similar hair goals, but I’m no hair guru. I’ll add the links to some ladies who are later, but right now I’m in bed, so…

Without innocence…

November 15, 2014

Without innocence there is no beauty
Without you there is no me
Drowning in sorrow is the only way
To seek
Damaged and war torn
The only war
To be
With nothing left
There is only you I see

Keep Calm and Study Arabic

November 14, 2014

lp.aspx-4I’ve been studying Arabic now for about a month. It’s had some intense ups and downs and at times I’ve wanted to give up and go home. Yesterday I was in a cab and I told him -in Arabic, where I had to go. He said to me “What’s your language English or Arabic?”, “English” I replied. To which he said, “then you should stick to English”. I have to say I wanted to agree with him. Why did I come all this way to learn this Arabic that couldn’t be more dissimilar from my native English. And yet I mustered up the courage to say, “No, in sha Allah, I’ll learn”. Because Arabic isn’t just about learning a new language, it’s about obtaining a very valuable key towards the sacred text of the Quran, the sacred words of the hadith and the sacred words of many knowledgeable men and women who only speak Arabic. Arabic isn’t about gaining a quaint new skill. Arabic is about Allah, that’s why I’m still going.

On this journey I could not have continued my Arabic studies without the financial help of my parents and the help of Aminah Knight, Faatimah Knight, Fahad Sultan, Idris Conry, J’nelle Simone, Jabbar Abdullah, Makeda Knight, Nsenga Knight and Nzinga Knight. Through your financial support of over $1750 I have been a able to continue my studies here in Amman, Jordan. I am also blessed to be given the ability to pay Rumman Academy in two parts, making the payment easier, and receiving a partial scholarship from Qasid Institute for my next semester of studies. All these blessings make it easy for me to go on despite my difficulties in acquiring this new language. I’m here studying not only for me, but for you. In hopes that I can teach Arabic to others, whether online or in person and maybe even be an inspiration for someone pursuing sacred knowledge for themselves.

I still need your help. My abilities to acquire this beautiful language are greatly handicapped because of my inability to take accompanying tajweed classes (proper pronunciation of letters). I would also like to pursue a third level of Arabic, Spring semester, once the Winter semester is finish and maximize my time here until I return home to New York. As an added incentive I will be giving away a small ‘Keep Calm and Study Arabic’ gift (created by me for you) to those who donate $50 or more. But the greatest gift is from Allah, the one who rewards those who do good and those who help others do good.

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessing upon him) said, “One who proceeds on a path in the pursuit of knowledge, God makes him proceed therewith on a path to the Garden (Paradise). And, verily, the angels spread their wings for the seekers of knowledge out of delight. Verily, every creature of the heaven and the earth asks forgiveness for the seeker of knowledge, even the fish in the sea. The merit of the ‘alim (the learned) over the ‘abid (the devout) is like the merit of the moon over the stars on a full-moon night. The learned are the heirs of the prophets, for the prophets did not leave behind a legacy of wealth but that of knowledge. So whoever partakes of it derives a plenteous benefit.”


Donate $50 or more to my Arabic studies and you’ll receive one of the following gifts:





Is that rain

November 13, 2014

Is that rain
In your eyes
Is that rain
What a disguise
Looked like tears
For a minute there
Looked like tears
For a minute there
But you wouldn’t cry
Certainly not for me
Funny I thought
I saw a frown
Mistaken for regret
That you let me down

But that’s just rain
I know you wouldn’t cry
So strange
Thought I saw pain in you eyes
Not you
You wouldn’t shed a tear
No not you
The one who never cares

That’s just rain
That’s just rain

But it’s not raining dear

Blogging from bed

November 12, 2014

I’m not sure how I became the person I am today or why. When I was younger I remember wanting to be a philosopher or a monk. I was an isolated kid and I am an isolated adult, an introvert. This morning I had to make the decision to -for the next few months at least, give up my beloved Ethos magazine that I started never a year ago. When I started Ethos, it was then ‘MCVmagzine’ it was suppose to be a mutual endeavor between me and my mom. Later it become “mine” first circumstantial than purposefully. I think my mom let it go before I ever claimed the rights to it, because “I” was doing all the work. In general I’m a meek go with the flow kind of person. I’m quickest to sadness and anger is almost a foreign concept. But that’s changed a lot.

About two years ago when I started a business (not the magazine) with my mom I noticed a change in myself. I was no longer meek and go with the flow, it was my way or no way. My voice had to be heard, my orders followed, my plans carried out. No one was as smart as me and my ideas we’re always superior, who was the little demon let out the box? The nafs (lower self) of course. Being friend, classmate, family member, etc. no other role in life tested my patience as much as this. How often I wanted to quit and still do. Because this person is unfamiliar to me. But there is a feeling that she has to be if the show must go on. I’ve seen things succeed with her plans I’ve seen them fail without her. But she, that part of me, that not-so-little ego may be doing more harm then good to the me that needs a relief from the world. The me that is suppose to fly towards God not connect myself to any and everything but him.

The new world we live in, the world of connection makes it very easy too spread ourselves thin. Hijabis make a a living through their countless self portraits, youtubers give their lives to bringing you a new video every week. Bloggers blog their lives away and Facebook pages are born everyday. It seems it’s so easy to become who you want these days but the toll it takes isn’t. Here I am all the way in Jordan hoping to cure myself from the diseases within yet suffering everyday from my own “success”.

I don’t know when I became the kind of person who did things, I never saw myself as a doer. I was a thinker, with lot’s of brilliant ideas. But the idea that any of them would come to fruition was far outside my reach. Now it’s at my palms. I just need so desperately some help, lots of help to see my dreams become reality, that or I need to give up a lot and keep my sanity, sadly the latter is the best choice right now. Sometimes I wish I never started all the stuff I have, I wanted to put good in to the world but what good has it done me? I’d probably be better off if I signed off and turned towards God. Over the illusion that I could actually do anything worthwhile.

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